It never occurs to me that everything will come to this eventually : knowing that my family will never be the same. Something that was meant to be kept in the darkest corner of every members of the family , but I myself couldn't keep it anymore.
I am not the favourite child in the family, I admit that. That's why I seek favouritism among my peers. That is why I often feel alone when I'm alone. I AM. I don't feel like rebelling, but NO ONE knows how bad I feel about myself sometimes. I'm annoyed about thing that matters to me the most.
I couldn't believe after 20 years of existence, this actually happened. When the news was told, I do not how am I supposed to react. I became heartless. My heart stopped beating and I lost myself for a moment. The betrayal of trust was too much for us. Worse for my mom. To those who are probably reading this, please do not speculate anything. Please say nothing. This is just me, merely expressing something here. Okay?
I am now on the verge of breaking down any moment. Nothing kept me together but him. The apple of my eyes. The love of my life. The one who paints rainbows on my rainy days. My everything. This puzzle is way too complicated for anyone to solve, but him. I am complicated. My life is complicated. Those who taught they knew me, perhaps it was just the'me' that I show to everyone around. The real me? Still in process of getting it back together.
When it all comes together to a point , I've realized one thing: I am indeed alone. I seek for companion. Often long for one. I shed tears knowing that somehow, I don't really know who is my real friends :( My own bloods betrayed me. and I am somehow forever miserable. I hate being a pessimist, but I couldn't help it. I see people around me being so judgmental to each other, and now, money is far more superior with humanity.
Is this how we humans supposed to treat each other?
I am tired being the happy me all the times. Wearing a mask just to please everyone else. Put aside my own ego EVERY TIME when there's misunderstandings. Well, fuck you , you pride-sucking-selfish bastards. I am done pleasing everyone and I don't get the same treatment in return. I am sick of skeptical people. Those whose looks are beyond any words but a hidden demon in the inside. Leave me alone, please. I just want a simple life, the way I wanted too. :(
but then, deep down inside, I know that no matter what happens, He will always be there for me. I often reminds myself of Him most of the time. I am not really a perfect Muslimah, but I am grateful that He still gives me the chance to repent. This definitely opened my eyes and showed me that I am indeed worth living for. Alhamdulillah.
Thing that were bound to happen, WILL happen eventually.