I am done with work and dinner and here I am, jotting down my thoughts.
I have been meaning to write a lot of things that have been going on in my life, but I didnt get the chance too. Most of the time I'll be working or spending time with my loved ones.
I am actually in a phase whereby I am in dilemma. I dont know why but I am not able to perform my utmost duty as a Muslim very well. Sigh. Not that I cant, it is just that I cant push myself to do it. And every single time I will punish myself for not doing so.
I dont blame anyone but myself. I am already 24, and are definitely capable of thinking whats right and what wrongs. At work, I will be swamped with work and by the time I am done, the prayer time will be over.
YES, LALAI. I honestly didnt find the importance of praying, even until today. I always questioned Him, "WHY?" At this point of time, I have so many things happening, so much on my plate. I asked him, "Why do You let things happened to my family?" "Why I can't get the things I worked so hard for?"
I never got the answers. I sometimes cried in my sleep when I am too stressed out, not knowing what to do. I am really afraid to open up more all because I am afraid of being judged, even unintentionally.
KIFARAH. Mak selalu sebut KIFARAH. But I, for a fact do not believe in that. People fucked things up for other people or you fucked your life on your own.
I am turning 24 in a few weeks time and I am afraid. I do not know what the world has for me, and I dont plan to find out just yet.
My ultimate goal in life at the moment is to be debt free by the age of 30. I have my student loan and my car loan now to work on that.
I think my rizq is definitely not financial wise. I have parents which I can see every day, my siblings who get on my nerves most of the time and my other personal long terms goals to be fullfilled.
Right now, I just want to improve on my mental and spiritual health and I shall start by not skipping any prayers, inshaAllah.
Please pray for me. You can do this, Atika.